A few pages of something new

[deanl]

oops oops oops

[SoulJacker]

Three thumbs up.

[pharod]

I like it, some scope for being actually funny and something of a spine tingling moment when you realise it's actually happening to him.

One thing, is he the Vanilla Sky, David Aimes sort of living-life-in-the-fast-lane-until-something-happens-to-make-him-change-his-ways character? Is that what happens? If so, hasn't it been done before? I might've got the wrong impression, elaborate.

[deanl]

oops oops oops

[Generic Skinhead]

Good stuff man. It's solid work and it seems like you know you're story and you're focused on telling it.

Questions: Is it a feature? Because they're is already a lot of characters. I always find it funny that you're character descriptions nearly always kick off with:

Jim, 26, good-looking guy...or a stunning girl, Jessica, 21. Ah the beautiful people.

It reminded me of quite a few different things, and surprised me in places. I like the pace. It seems a little dialogue heavy in places, such as Peter talking to his wife. I won't mention the spelling mistakes cos you don't wanna hear that.

It reminded me of Angel/X-MEN/Matrix at various points. A character in pain while seeing visions of the future is a huge device in Angel (bufy spinoff). Learning to control your powers re the help of a secret organisation is very x-men. And the Detrix thing reminded me of Morpheus finding Neo. "Is he ready."

But i'm not accusing you of ripping anything off, because I can see you've always done you're own thing. It's just how I felt as I read it.

The casting director was spot on by the way. Perhaps the pushy american director is a little too much of a stereotype though. Now thats a character we've all seen a hundred times before.

I found it surprising that cute girl wouldn't mention the fact that Alex broke a glass and ran out of the cafe on his last visit, if she did remember him.

Whats the importance of the mini-disk?

[emjen]

I've read the first part and I liked it. You have a very good writing style Despin, I should learn from you. There's a certain flow in it. Just asking, do you rewrite a lot of your lines to get this flow, or can't you help it?

I will comment on the content after I've read the second part.

-*** -

[deanl]

oops oops oops

[emjen]

Hey pretty cool. If this is an action movie, why not enhance the action scene at the end a little bit more? It's the first action scene in thirty pages or so, so it wouldn't hurt. I mean, psychic stand-offs always rule.

Alex as a character still seems uncomplete for some reason. Maybe that's how you want him, but I didn't really like the character as a whole. But of course, he's very confused and all that.

And don't let Alex take everything for granted. Who says that device isnt some sort of mind controlling device? If I can think of that, why not Alex?

I'm pretty curious to see where this is going.

[deanl]

Hey there.

Thanks for reading man. No it's not an action movie. I'm also writing it as a relativley low budget feature.


"Alex as a character still seems uncomplete for some reason."

That's because he is. He's at a transitional time of his life. He's changing.

"And don't let Alex take everything for granted. Who says that device isnt some sort of mind controlling device?"

LOL. Yeah. Who says? Well me I guess. You will have to read the whole script one day.

"If I can think of that, why not Alex?"

Well in all fairness you a reading a screenplay and imagining what future events and story points I've come with and Alex is a characters in terrible pain and a guy just gave him a device that stopped it instantly. He's glad.

Anyway. Thanks for reading this. I want to ask those have read this a few questions. It will just help me with the rewrite.

What did you like? What didnt you like? Did everything make sense? If not what? Could you follow the script fine? Did you have any major problems? What about the characters? Who did you like? And why? Who did you not like and why? id you like the diaolg? Did anything stand out? Was there anything you hated? That made you cringe?

What do you think of the story? Do you like it so far? Are you intrested in what might happen next?

What do you think will happen next?

WOW. Lot of questions there. Hope you can answer some of them. It's these types of questions and your answers that help me the most.

Despin out.

[pharod]

I don't like the name detrix, who's character comes to my mind as samuel l jackson's role in Triple X . But the film could be really cool if shot properly, and the dialogues great; funny, really solid, fast ...it works!

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ June 02, 2003 08:43 AM: Message edited by: pharod ]</font>